Many leaders find it difficult to give direct feedback without alienating the other person, especially when it comes to sensitive topics such as calling out bad behavior. I have been teaching people to give constructive feedback for a while when something happened that made me step back and think about how I'd apply my own advice.
As I was concluding a module of my sales course, a participant made dismissive comments which he topped off with a sexist joke. When I explained my points again, he insisted on his thesis, refusing to consider the real objective of the class. This wasted a lot of time and derailed an important discussion about the role of managing emotions in business. It was also disrespectful towards me, the other women in the class, and the program's spirit overall.
After class, I was upset on both personal and professional levels. I then realized that this was an opportunity to turn a bad situation into a teaching moment for myself and this student (regardless of whether he was willing to learn).
After speaking to his boss, we decided it would be best to give him feedback, identifying specific (mis)behaviors and explaining how they affected not only others but also his own reputation. I did not receive a reply but he has not made any more inappropriate comments until the rest of the course. Partial win?
I am sharing with you my note here, edited to remove any identifying information. I added explanations for each section so you could use this as a template for your feedback conversations.
Hi <name>,
[Why I am writing] I wanted to give you some feedback about our interaction yesterday,
[What is in it for him] especially since you previously expressed interest in soft skills training and recognized their importance.
[What I expect] Hope you can leverage it to improve your learning throughout the program.
[Summary of the inappropriate situation or aka calling out the misbehaving] You made some comments during the session that were distracting others and were not demonstrating your own potential and competence.
[Example]
First, you made some comments about the irrelevance of a listening exercise we did. There is no problem with not understanding the point of something. I am showing many new things to you guys, and I don't always explain everything because I want you to experience them first, reflect and then discuss them.
[Consequences] My issue was with the dismissive tone. When you approach something this way, it makes the other person feel like their work is not valued and that you do not care about being there.
[Suggested alternative behavior] Instead, you could have said to me, "Miriam, I enjoyed the conversation with my exercise partner, but I am having a hard time understanding how this would work with a client whom I do not know or feel comfortable with. Can you give me an example?" It shows respect towards the person you are addressing while demonstrating that you need more from them to feel engaged.
[Example]
Second, you made a joke about the Maya Angelou quote [in the image above] I shared with the class. This joke was trying to put women into some kind of stereotype in order to make a point. You then made it personal to me, by trying to get me to admit that this applies to my personal life too.
[Consequences] I felt uncomfortable, and I was also frustrated because it was confusing the message and distracting from the point I was trying to make. I tried to explain to you my point but you ignored it and kept insisting on this argument.
[Suggested alternative behavior] In the future, I would appreciate it if you tried to evaluate the merit of a joke that puts a certain group in a negative light. It makes the other side uncomfortable and it also makes you look bad. I assume that you do value women and their contributions but it was not the image created at the moment. Instead of making that comment, you could have said: "This quote makes me reflect on the fact that we always remember when someone does something bad to us..."
Even better would have been to think about how this quote relates to the training and your daily work: i.e. "I have to be careful about how I manage relationships with clients and if something bad happens to make sure I address it with a lot of care." Or: "It's difficult to manage relationships and recover from a negative experience so we better prepare very well before we enter the room to discuss something with a client." etc etc.
[Summary and next steps]
I hope this feedback can be useful to your professional development. Let me know if you'd like any other resources about active listening. I recommend reading the article I sent to the group after yesterday's session. https://blog.hubspot.com/sales/soft-sell
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Some words of caution: the person at stake may not take the feedback well because you are calling out something they may not be willing to confront within themselves. Their ego will likely be bruised. They may act out. It can be scary to express your boundaries. Yet, it's really important to call out a bully unless you want them to keep treating you or others this way. You should know that not saying anything validates their behavior and tells them you accept to be treated this way. If they can't respect this, it's on them and not on you.
What about you? How have you handled misbehaving or bullying at work?
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